Healing is not linear. I was told that the week we lost Aveline two years ago. It does seem possible that so much time has passed. I assumed that the 2 year mark would be easier than the first. Apparently I was wrong. This time has been so much harder, so many more tears and a lot more depression.
My little rainbow baby boy has been such a healing balm but also at times is a painful reminder. When I see him do something new or go through a new stage it makes me excited but it also makes me wonder what she would have been like. Sometimes in a good way but sometimes in a sad one because I don’t get to watch her experience those things. I don’t get to watch her first smile, or take her first steps and it hurts, so much.
This week I was looking for a photo of her to share. I scrolled past hundreds of photos of Andrew and it made me sad. It’s been so fun capturing those moments of him but it made me realize that while I’m grateful for the photos and memories I have of her, that’s all that is left. I don’t get to capture more moments of her life like I get to with my son. Until Jesus comes back there will be no more new moments with her. I am so grateful for the hope of knowing that I will see her again, but it doesn’t make right now any less painful.
I love my little boy so so much. He has brought a joy into my life I thought I would never get back. However just because he is here, it doesn’t make the pain of her not being here go away.
I know I shouldn’t use the word should. But I can’t help but feel that. Andrew should have a big sister to hold him, I should have two living children, she should still be here.
I have also been feeling pressure to do something super meaningful and special since it is her birthday. Last year I made this website so I felt like I needed to do something today too. However I was talking to another sweet mom going through loss and she said that nothing we do will be as special as the people they were. That was freeing in a way. I don’t need to do some big thing, I just need to make it through the day.
I’m extra grateful this week for my sweet husband who has been my rock and helping me as we go though this anniversary.