More Than I Can Handle
There is something people say a lot (especially Christians) that makes me angry when referring to hard times. Honestly in high school and college I said it too. However since then and especially after losing my daughter I have a very different option.
I hate the phrase "God will never give us more than we can handle" or other variations like it. They make me angry because who is able to handle losing their child? I mean really, who? Who is able to handle knowing no matter how much they try, do everything they possibly can, pray and hope as much as they can, that they will lose their baby. The answer is no one can. There is no way. Its too great a pain and a burden. This phrase also implies that God somehow chose and caused my baby to die and I am just not okay with that either. Now have I had dark moments/months where I cried out and wonder why God would let this happen? Absolutely, but he did't cause this. He didn't wish for me to suffer and lose my daughter. The devil wants us to think that though, and unfortunately with me, especially right after my loss, he succeeded for a while. I am so grateful for my sweet husband who had to remind me on a daily, some times hourly bases, that the devil was the enemy and that God was carrying us.
A phrase I believe is true and much more accurate is: "No matter what trials or heartache we go through in life (because they will come) God is there to support, and carry us through. Without him we won't be able to get through it."
I know this is true, because if I really take the time to think about it and reflect. God is the only reason we are making it through this nightmare. I can see who many times where he carried us and now over a year later I see where there is healing that only he can bring. Healing that in the dark first few months I thought would never happen, but it did. He did that, he brings healing and peace. This morning I was listening to a sermon where this topic came up which is why I decent to share. Keep in mind these words I am sharing, people said to me during my loss and sometimes they brought comfort and other times they brought anger and resentment.
During the service the pastor shared a few verses that I felt I could relate to.
2 Corinthians 1:8-10 8. We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. 9. Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. 10. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us,
Here it talks about pain and troubles they experienced were so terrible that they started to dread living through that pain. I can relate to that in so many ways. So many nights and days where I just laid in bed crying or being numb wondering what the point was. I was not suicidal or at risk of taking my own life, but there were several times where I wished I would just die in my sleep, I just wanted the pain to end. See I couldn't handle this by myself.
I believe the only way I made it through and am still making it through is through Gods help. That doesn't mean I don't feel pain anymore, it doesn't mean I never get angry and ask why this happened to us. It does however mean I am able to have peace, hope and joy again. I am grateful knowing that by His grace, one day all of this horrible suffering will be over and I will be holding my little girl again.