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1 Year Out

Updated: Aug 3, 2022

It is so hard to believe it has been 1 year. 1 year ago today I went into early labor and gave birth to our daughter Aveline Hope. 1 year since we were able to hold her. 1 Year since we lost her. Trigger warning, Baby photos at the bottom

Today has been really hard as has this whole year. This year I have taken a lot of time off work which I expected but for a different reason. This year I expected to be raising our newborn daughter, not grieving her loss. I had to show myself grace for not being able to juggle everything I used to. I have had to take time to process and grieve the loss of my daughter and realize its okay to not be okay, to fall apart.

I am very thankful that through all of this pain we have found some peace. Both the grief and peace come in waves but today I am so thankful for all the reasons I have to smile. A year ago I thought I would never smile again. I am glad I was wrong. While there are still hard days there are so many good ones. I know this peace comes from God.

Aveline was born July 13, 2021 at 20 weeks, 6 days old and weighed 8.8oz. She lived for 5 1/2 precious hours. Even though it was not nearly long enough, I’m so grateful for those moments. Getting to see her heart beating and taking little breaths, feeling her lightly squeeze my pinky with her tiny hand.

To say this year has been hard would be an understatement. We are so thankful for having such supportive and loving families. I know many who don't have that support and for that I am so sorry. Ours have been there every step of the way and have help so much. We are also so grateful for all who have reached out, comforted and us through everything. For the phone calls, the visits, the texts, and pulling us out of some dark places. We can't thank you enough.

Since today marks 1 year there are a few things we did to honor her memory

  1. I wanted to record a song "Still" by Hillsong on my violin. I sang it while I was pregnant and once to her in the hospital. I didn't quite get the editing done but it has made me smile.

  2. We never did maternity photos since she was born so early so we also decided to take some photos in what would have been my maternity dress holding Aveline's toy sheep.

  3. I have had it on my heart for a while to share resources that helped us this year. I want to share them with others who have lost their precious children. So today we put up a website in memory and honor of our daughter. It's not done but it's a start.

Our hope is that others who have experienced this terrible pain and loss would find comfort, not just here on earth, but comfort in the fact that if we know Jesus as our savior and have a relationship with him, we will get to hold our precious babies again. We will get to see them in heaven where there is no pain and no suffering.

There have been so many days that the only thing that got us through was that hope, hope that through Jesus we will get to hold Aveline again. It doesn't erase the pain, but it has been the life preserver that I have clung to this past year.

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