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Mother's Day and Child Loss

I had been dreading mothers day so much. I didn't know what to do, should I do something special or get through it as quickly as possible? When I asked online most people didn't have answers but said they felt the same way. Some suggested planting a tree or some flowers which is a nice thought but we are moving all of the time so that doesn't really work, that and I have a black thumb.

I was in tears stressed because this is not how I expected this year to go. Last year I announced I was pregnant and I had so many people messaging me. Then thanks to FBs time hop feature I get to see what I didn't have anymore. In the end It turns out Mothers Day was similar to my Due Date. I was stressed and dreaded it but it actually wasn't bad. I got up and painted my nails with the peach nail polish I had on when she was born. Then I decided to curl my hair (did not do makeup because I figured tears would come). I then spent time learning to paint butterflies with water colors and I'm pretty happy with how they turned out. Purple butterflies are something that remind me of Aveline.

I talked to my mom for a little. We were both in for a sad mothers day, mine without Aveline and hers being the first one without her mom. I cried a lot for her the night before. I can't imagine how I would deal with not having my mom around. She is my best friend.

Later Jason and I went out and grabbed some food and went to the park and had lunch by the lake which was nice. I worked on a website and some quotes about mothers. Near the end of the day I cried some and was pretty sad. But overall it was a good day. I had family and friends check in on me. I felt guilty for not reaching out to the other moms in my life to wish them a happy mothers day but I just didn't have that in me. While I had a decent day, I really wasn't up for hearing "Happy Mother's day" back. Because after you lose a child Happy is not the word I would use to describe the day. I was grateful for the messages from friends saying they were thinking of me and telling me what a good mother I was to Aveline, and that I am still a mom. Those words mean so much.

I think one thing that helped was the whole week before we went camping in Capitol Reef National Park. We did a couple of lazy days at the campsite and did some light hikes, had some great pie and listened to books. Even better I had no service so I was off social media. I stayed off social media for mothers day which helped a LOT.

It was really nice having the week off to just relax and talk, and then have the whole weekend.

Monday Jason brought me flowers and root beer for mothers day which was so sweet. I cried more about the flowers than I did on mothers day. It meant so much. I'm sure he would have gotten them on the day but I was with him, and the day didn't matter as much as the reason.

My heart goes out to those in my shoes or going through something that makes this day so difficult.

• The mothers who lost their baby to miscarriage

• The mothers who lost their child unexpectedly

• The mothers who had to end their pregnancy for medical reasons

• The mothers yearning to become mothers

• The mothers who lost their adult child

• The mothers living with childlessness

• The mothers whos baby was stillborn

• The mothers who lost their newborns

• Those who Lost their own mothers

I hope that you have peace and find reasons to smile even though it is hard.

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